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Absolutely! Harriet Lerner, in her wisdom, says that a good apology isn't about the perfect words or trying to “fix” everything. It’s about acknowledging the hurt you’ve caused and taking full responsibility for your actions—without excuses, defensiveness, or trying to blame the other person for how you messed up. A real apology is like a heartfelt “I see you, I hear you, and I own my part in this.”
Now, if your parent has been emotionally immature your whole life, they're unlikely to hand you an Oscar-winning apology. They might fumble through it like a toddler trying to walk in big shoes. But that doesn’t mean they’re off the hook for at least trying to own up to what they’ve done. It’s more about the intent behind the words: are they genuinely seeing your pain, or are they just offering an apology like a band-aid to cover up a much deeper wound? A true apology is about repairing the connection, not just making it go away.
And, if they do drop a half-hearted "sorry," don't let it derail you! The beauty of a good apology is it’s not just about getting that “I’m sorry” from them. You can take it, learn from it, and then add your own dose of self-compassion into the mix. After all, you’re the one who gets to decide how to heal, regardless of whether the other person gets their emotional act together or not.
Even parents who’ve been emotionally immature (and let’s be honest, there are many a little too wrapped up in their own drama) are still responsible for apologizing. Because here’s the thing: emotional maturity isn’t just some fancy adult skill we get as we age—maybe it’s a bit like a magic potion some people never got a sip of. But that doesn’t mean they can skip out on owning up to their mistakes, no matter how messy their toolkit might be. But, accountability is key! It’s like when a toddler dumps their juice on the carpet—they might not get it, but you still need to help them understand the mess they made. And, let’s face it, emotionally immature parents often have a really good track record of making messes.
That being said, sometimes those apologies might come with a little twist of defensiveness or a sprinkle of “I was doing the best I could,” and don’t let that fool you. It’s still an opportunity for healing, even if it’s wrapped in a layer of the thing that reminds you of the old pattern. If they don’t apologize in the way you hope, don’t let it steal your peace. You have the right to heal, with or without their perfect apology.
And remember, while their emotional immaturity can make them the “I’m sorry... but not really” master, your healing doesn’t depend on their growth. You can still move forward, set boundaries, and get the emotional maturity you need from yourself (and maybe a few extra therapy sessions, just in case). For this, I'd prescribe a daily does of Kristen Neff's self-compassion practices: https://self-compassion.org/self-compassion-practices/
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